• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Manhattanville! Because Complaining Never Gets Old
• Some Crotchety Old Man Stole My ID
• Thoughts While Bronzing on the Steps
• Greetings, From Public Safety
• Dear Mahmoud
• Get Your Horcrux Off My Desk
• Presidents: "We're a BFD"
• The Overachiever's Guide to Breaking the Ten Commandments
• Jew Hater Born a Jew
• From the Barnard Office of Health
• Sexed Up Haikus
• Core Turns Hardcore
• The Netherlands Corner
• An Apology to Our Readers
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

The classic dichotomy of the parent visit is simple: the parents want the most accurate view of the student's new life, and the student wants to show them the library, get them to buy food/clothing, leave money for "metro cards," and get the hell out. Therefore, when your friends are drunk at 3:30 in the afternoon, barge into your room, introduce themselves (and accidentally grope) your mother, then file into the hallway to loudly discuss that your mom is a MILF and that they should get high, your friends become THE THEY!!!

At this point, you can take a few different courses of action:

(1) Ask your parents: "Who were those guys? I have never seen them before in my life." Your mother responds: "I am friends with you on Facebook and I see them write on your wall every day." Being friends with your mom on Facebook= THEY!

(2) Say to your parents: "Aren't you glad I'm more responsible than those guys?" Being a suckup (and a liar)= THEY!

(3) Say to your father: "See Dad, you did good! Welcome to Columbia! Lets Get High!!!" Being bold= dumb, but not THEY.

Suggestions on how to avoid this situation:
(1) Tell your parents that New York no longer allows visitors due to Swine Flu.

(2) "Accidentally" buy them tickets to Colombia.

(3) Meet them downtown, have them pay for dinner, and then promptly leave to "study at the Library."

(4) Be the first of your friends to earn the label THEY!