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In This Issue

• Cartoons Infiltrate MLB
• Portrait of the Bullshit Artist as a Young Man
• Jon Lajoie Bares All
• The Binding of Isaac: Raw and Uncensored
• MTA Fare Hike Massacres Millions
• Thanksgiving Day From Hell!
• Douches: A Historical Who's Who
• Spin-Off Shows the Fed Would Watch
• World’s Developing Regions Receive Additional Shipment of Bullshit
• The Netherlands Corner
• Mandelatitis
• Planned Parenthood
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Emily Hoffman

Baseball, the great American pastime, is once again plagued by controversy. The annual Major League Baseball survey recently found several players maintained an unfair advantage over their teammates and competitors-an advantage allegedly due to the superhuman traits only available to cartoons or those descended from cartoon ancestry.

The MLB released a statement last week stating that cartoons are only permitted to participate as mascots. Many see this policy as discriminatory, but the MLB stands by it, claiming cartoons hold an unfair advantage because they do not obey the laws of physics, are immune to injury, and are especially prone to antagonizing their opposition with pie-throwing and big sloppy kisses.

Jorge Posada, catcher for The New York Yankees, recently admitted that he is ¼ cartoon. His maternal grandfather is none other than Maximilian Goof, son of Goofy Goof, the famous Walt Disney character. When asked why this was kept a secret for so long, Posada's great-grandfather Goofy Goof responded, "Gawrsh, I guess Jorge didn't say anything because he was afraid he would be kicked off of the team." While his teammates never suspected his cartoon background, Johnny Damon mentioned that, in retrospect, Posada's laugh did have a distinctive "ah-hyuck" quality.

Posada is only the most recent player to face allegations regarding cartoon ancestry. Pablo Sandoval, catcher for the San Francisco Giants, admitted in 2008 that he is the uncle of Po, or as he is more affectionately known, the "Kung Fu Panda."

Still, the investigation into Posada's past is inspiring a modern-day witchhunt for athletes of cartoon origin. TMZ spotted Kevin Youkilis of the Boston Red Sox shopping at a Boston-area Stop&Shop with Mr. Clean. When confronted with the possibility of familial relation, they both claimed they were just friends.

It has long been speculated that Yogi Berra, former Yankees catcher, is related to Yogi Bear. In addition to the name similarity, they are both "smarter than your average [insert species]" with a propensity for making inadvertently humorous statements. Berra, however, denies the connection, stating, "The only bear in this family is my brother's boyfriend."

It is unclear what, if any, action will be taken regarding baseball players with cartoon ancestry. It is likely that any record maintained by a cartoon or cartoon descendent will remain in the books, though acknowledgement of the unfair advantage will be noted by the appearance of an asterisk next to their name.

Official record keepers are taking extra precautions to make sure that they will not be fooled into using disappearing ink for this task. Outraged MLB officials suggest various possibilities for further punishment, including attachment to a giant rocket, forced acknowledgement of the lack of ground after walking off a cliff, or, most boldly, death by crushing under an ACME safe.