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In This Issue

• Cartoons Infiltrate MLB
• Portrait of the Bullshit Artist as a Young Man
• Jon Lajoie Bares All
• The Binding of Isaac: Raw and Uncensored
• MTA Fare Hike Massacres Millions
• Thanksgiving Day From Hell!
• Douches: A Historical Who's Who
• Spin-Off Shows the Fed Would Watch
• World’s Developing Regions Receive Additional Shipment of Bullshit
• The Netherlands Corner
• Mandelatitis
• Planned Parenthood
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Rachel Paige Katz and Cait Sigler

Less than a minute after every major sporting championship event, unclothed masses demand the hats and shirts upon which history is written. To meet this impatient demand, manufacturers must prepare two contradictory sets of merchandise: one speaking the truth, the other declaring in bold colors the news from an alternative universe. On Monday, the Philadelphia Inquirer printed an advertisement selling World Champion Phillies gear, two days before they would lose to the Yankees. In accordance with Major League Baseball policy, the advertised products were boxed and shipped off to developing regions across the Middle East and Africa.

MLB commissioner Bud Selig spoke Monday at a press conference on the dangers of misinformation, which he said could negatively affect education and the public's ability to blindly follow their Commissioner. "The American people deserve truth. That's why we're sending all of this to the Middle East."

Cornell Cleaver, former economics advisor to President Bush, remarked on the efficiency of the strategy: "The populations of the southern hemisphere don't have any other way to find out who won, so, for them, that hat is as good as true. Does it look like Kachunga Chunga over there has an MLB iPhone app?" he asked. "No. No it fucking doesn't," he added.

The world's conflict-stricken regions have for decades been the recipients of a slew of fashionbased misinformation. For as long as sports have had winners and Africa has been poor, boxes of goods proclaiming the untruths of the athletic world have been falling from planes into zincroofed homes.

In Yemen, twelve year-old Youssef Sharif sports his pride for the undefeated division champion Detroit Lions. "I am just happy to know that when I come to America, I will know who is good and who is bad." His little brother Haqiq trailed behind him dragging two Kalashnikov assault rifles.

Brendan Michael, 18, a UNESCO aid-worker, recalled a meal with an Ethiopian family in the rural country surrounding Addis Ababa. Instead of the typical round plate upon which the porous bread injera was served in other villages, Michael noticed a gleaming golden tray. Washing dishes in the river afterward, he read the words "Andy Roddick: 2009 Wimbledon Men's Singles Champion." "I was like, ‘wait a minute,' and checked it out on my Blackberry. Everyone knew Federer won. Except the Ethiopians."

In times of trouble, the charitable donations of this clothing provide hope to even the most affected. Solomon Hijazi, the lanky, recently orphaned owner of a candy shop destroyed last year in the Darfur region of Sudan said, "At least my team is still winning," referring to the Tampa Bay Ray's loss in the 2008 World Series.

Donated shirts that do not jive with Western "reality" are not limited to the world of professional sports. In Kenya, a tribe of hunters searches for food in sweatshirts from the "Wisconsin Pie Company Team Building Weekend 1998," an event rescheduled for the following decade. In Somalia, a young girl shades her eyes with a "Sarah Palin 2012" hat, ignorant to the total inelectability of the candidate following her 2008 showing.

Despite these international connections, however, the global North-South divide remains strong. "They're starting to talk like us, act like us -- even dress like us," said Boston local Anthony Famiglia on safari through Tanzania. "But they don't know shit about sports. I'm not sure we'll ever really get along."