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In This Issue

• Cartoons Infiltrate MLB
• Portrait of the Bullshit Artist as a Young Man
• Jon Lajoie Bares All
• The Binding of Isaac: Raw and Uncensored
• MTA Fare Hike Massacres Millions
• Thanksgiving Day From Hell!
• Douches: A Historical Who's Who
• Spin-Off Shows the Fed Would Watch
• World’s Developing Regions Receive Additional Shipment of Bullshit
• The Netherlands Corner
• Mandelatitis
• Planned Parenthood
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Rowan Buchanan

Douches come in all shapes, sizes, and time periods. The following men make Brody Jenner look like a prepubescent girl.

Socrates: The Granddaddy of douche. He insisted on being poor, made a career out of asking questions that he already knew the answers to, and liked little boys (no homo).

Judas Iscariot: The Tanya Harding of Apostles.

St. Augustine: The Christian Douche. Half his autobiography is Biblical references applied to him. Also, thanks for inventing original sin.

Christopher Columbus: You remember that guy in kindergarten that smelled a carton of glue? That's Christopher Columbus, except instead of smelling it was killing, instead of a carton it was a million, and instead of glue it was Native Americans.

King Henry VIII: Fat and horny with a healthy helping of facial hair. Most douches cheat. Henry VIII divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, douched. He also started a church because his penis told him to.

Louis XIV: Had a hallway of mirrors to check out his calves from different angles. Never met a pair of heels he didn't like.

Aaron Burr: Shot a founding father in a duel, then tried to start his own country. The Spencer Pratt of American history.

Andrew Jackson: Old Dickory. Thought most problems could be solved with whiskey and a gun. Created the spoils system, told John Marshal to go eff himself. A legendary frontiersman in the Wild Wild Douche.

Lord Byron: The Sensitive Douche. Aristocrat by birth, pompous by nature, forever in debt, and possessed a libido that roamed freer than his verse. If a hipster and an emo kid took ‘roids and copulated, their offspring would be the Byronic hero.

Millard Fillmore: Crap President that later joined the Know Nothing Party, proven to be the douchiest titled party in all of history. Successfully walked the fine line between Douche and Dumbass. Remembered more as the Boring Douche than as Mr. President.

Sigmund Freud: Inspired entire generations of douchebaggery with the phrase "phallus envy." Forever stigmatized eating bananas in public. Snorted coke like a leaf blower in reverse.

Hitler: A wannabe painter and militant vegetarian with self-consciously sculpted facial hair and a fetish for Eastern culture, he dreamed of changing the world. The proto- flower child and the original Hippy-Dippy Douche. Also, genocide.

Andy Warhol: Took ads, products, and people, then changed the colors and called it art. Pointed a camera at a brick wall for five hours and called it a masterpiece. Blame this douchenozzle for every ham-fisted MFA thesis project made out of dogshit and cardboard. Got shot and still we can find no endearing qualities.