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In This Issue

• Cartoons Infiltrate MLB
• Portrait of the Bullshit Artist as a Young Man
• Jon Lajoie Bares All
• The Binding of Isaac: Raw and Uncensored
• MTA Fare Hike Massacres Millions
• Thanksgiving Day From Hell!
• Douches: A Historical Who's Who
• Spin-Off Shows the Fed Would Watch
• World’s Developing Regions Receive Additional Shipment of Bullshit
• The Netherlands Corner
• Mandelatitis
• Planned Parenthood
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Cait Sigler

New York- Last week MTA Controller Tuck N. Runn reported that the recent $0.25 fare hike, enacted primarily to correct for fiscal irresponsibility, had been spent primarily on hookers and crack. In a last-ditch effort to finally cure the MTA its debt problem and the clap, Runn announced yet another fare hike of an arm and a leg.

The shock of this fare hike hit riders like the smell of a backed up toilet. Jim Burrows, an economics major at NYU, said "I'd much rather pay a dollar more than have to give up my limbs. This seems economically inefficient for students like us who ride the subway daily!"

When Columbia University students were asked for comments on the recent hike, most said they were unaffected. Freshmen Ashley Docherty said "I think its fine. Now there's even less reason to leave the Upper West Side!"

Most MTA officials offered little explanation for the transit authority's interest in using living human flesh and tissue as currency. However, a theoretical framework for the policy did leak from the highest levels of the bureaucracy. An anonymous advisor close to Controller Runn reported that the arms and legs would be sewn together to make more potential subway-riders, who would then pay their limbs for entry. "It's a self-sustaining cycle," he said. "We'll get limbs and make people that will give us limbs which will be used to make more people which will give us the limbs we need to finance ... oh wait. Shit."

While normal riders will suffer from the extreme fare hike, amputees are even worse off. Rod Summers, a quadruple-amputee and Vietnam veteran said "this fare hike is completely discriminatory and handicap inaccessible. I think it was a mistake!"

The only people that seem to be excited by this announcement are the creator and director of the "Saw" movie series. Director James Wan said, "it is incredible the social impact my movies have had." Wan also said that he now has "plenty of new material" for the next six movies, the first of which is due to be released around Valentines Day, 2010.

In light of the plethora of criticism, it is likely that the MTA will reduce the fare within the next few days, lest those who have legs left stop paying for mediocre service and walk.