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In This Issue

• Cartoons Infiltrate MLB
• Portrait of the Bullshit Artist as a Young Man
• Jon Lajoie Bares All
• The Binding of Isaac: Raw and Uncensored
• MTA Fare Hike Massacres Millions
• Thanksgiving Day From Hell!
• Douches: A Historical Who's Who
• Spin-Off Shows the Fed Would Watch
• World’s Developing Regions Receive Additional Shipment of Bullshit
• The Netherlands Corner
• Mandelatitis
• Planned Parenthood
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

So I checked my phone Friday when I woke up early in the morning, around 3pm, and found that I had a preponderance of missed calls from my mother (about 15). Why had she called me so many times?- My options were slim, she could have been calling about 1) the $250 worth of

alcohol and blow I bought for the party I threw in my Carmen double, or 2) to see when I would be getting home for Thanksgiving. The latter was true. As you can see, my mother is rather excited that I will be coming home for Thanksgiving. She is excited mainly because I haven't called her in two weeks and Thanksgiving will be the 􀏐irst time she will be able to pry deep into my personal life, in front of all of the relatives that I don't like very much. Ah, how very exciting! Mothers who ask prying questions = THEY!!!

To Combat this I am trying to prepare a list of topics I do not want to discuss with my mother:

1) Beer
2) Blow (jobs too)
3) Strip Clubs
4) Ms. Saturn
5) Three Sums
6) Four Sums
7) Projectile vomiting
8) My new Vape!
9) My new Cig habit!
10) Condoms

Things that I will talk about:

1) Studying (excluding the stacks)
2) My friends (when they are not hyphy)
3) Majors
4) Jobs (excluding blow)

The fact that my Mom went to college and all of this will for sure come up= THEY! Fuck it!