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In This Issue
- Church Purchases Kwanzaa
- What Goes on in Santa's Head While You Sit on His Lap
- The Netherlands Corner
- Iranipedia: Hannukah
- Celebrity Gravestones!
- Insanity, Actually
- Querido Santa
- These Are A Few of Our Favorite Things
- The Fed Presents: "Aporkalypse"
- Are You Having a Bad Christmas?
- A Very WASP-y Christmas
- Dear Santa
- got meth?
- Letter From the Feditrix
- They Watch
- The Staff of the Federalist
Are You Having a Bad Christmas?
Rowan Buchanan, Stephen K. Chan
So you think you had a bad Christmas. Your mom burned the turkey. Your brother gave you his old socks. Your father threw the turkey and your brother and the dog at the socks. So what. Others have it worse. We bring you some schadenfreude cookies, people who have it oh so much worse:
Joseph: His Christmas gift is to be the perpetual underachiever in a household of deities. So what if the baby isn't his. He still has to wipe the little thumbsucker's ass. And his wife is "too tired" for some holiday lovin'. Once you go with God, you can never go back to the old man-meat. He wants to drop her for the treacherous, slimy tramp she is. But God says no.
Jewish American Princesses:It's the only day they get less stuff than everyone else. Why isn't Bloomingdale's open? Why can't I find a manicure appointment today? Why Why Why? Why me?? Oh, well, they mutter, guess I'll grab some egg rolls and go see Up in the Air.
Managers of Movie Theaters and Chinese Restaurants: They have to put up with all the JAPs.
Your Grandma: She spent a whole month knitting you that sweater-to show she loves you. The one with the reindeer and snowmen, remember? She did it because she cares-because sometimes she thinks you're the only thing in her life that matters anymore. Don't you remember? Of course you don't. You threw that sweater in the garbage. Right in front of her. And she's not as blind as you think.
Arnold Schwarzeneger: The Governator is sitting in his cozy little mansion in California, watching the merry fires burn up Malibu. Luckily, his friends will be happy with his gifts this year. Oh wait, no, he had to pay them in IOUs, and yup, he's out of those too. And then there's the perpetually looming post-Christmas vacation, as the entire state inches closer to floating off on a permanent Pacific cruise, ne'er to return.
Oh yeah, and Jingle All the Way is on television.
The Hobo on the Street:He's wearing the sweater your grandma knit last year. Also, he's homeless.