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In This Issue

• Church Purchases Kwanzaa
• What Goes on in Santa's Head While You Sit on His Lap
• The Netherlands Corner
• Iranipedia: Hannukah
• Celebrity Gravestones!
• Insanity, Actually
• Querido Santa
• These Are A Few of Our Favorite Things
• The Fed Presents: "Aporkalypse"
• Are You Having a Bad Christmas?
• A Very WASP-y Christmas
• Dear Santa
• got meth?
• Letter From the Feditrix
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Cait Sigler

ROME - The Catholic Church reversed a longstanding avoidance of mergers today with the seven billion euro acquisition of Kwanzaa, offering one billion euros for each of the African-American holiday's seven pillars. The news sparked a 300-point swell in the Dow and S&P 500, noting sizable gains for Cleveland Collard Greens (CCGR) and Aunt Jemima Inc. (AUNT). The Vatican issued an official statement explaining that the Church expected to save "a shitton" in the buyout, the opportunity for which was sparked by the low holiday prices of the recent economic crisis. Christmas has lost value in recent years due to a hostile market and the rise of competitors such as Atheism, LLC and Consumerism Corp. Analysts have suggested that the Church was motivated by a need for diversified holdings, as counseled by their Jewish advisors.

The High Council of Jews also offered a bid on the holiday, seeking to monopolize all candelabra-based celebrations but was not willing to spend as munificently. The Church planned to lower the cost of acquisition by selling off the rights to several of the Nguzo Saba - the Guiding Principles - of Kwanzaa. Stefanie Meyer, a self-made millionaire as a result of her Twilight franchise, is said to be involved in talks to purchase Kuumba, which translates to the White "Creativity", in order to improve her mind-numbing prose. The Republican Party is likewise expressing interest in Umoja, or Unity, but they plan on renaming it The Bald Eagle. As a gift, The Church offered Nia, or "purpose," to Kevin Federline. "Nay, Celebrity Fit Club shall not make anyone less of a useless douchebag," said Pope Benedict XVI, citing the Psalm 17.

Christmas's spokeself stated that the holiday was eager to work with Kwanzaa, and looked forward to "getting more brothers in on it." He said that the excitement was mutual. At the (assumed) Kwanzaa headquarters at the corner of 125th Street and Frederick Douglas Boulevard, observers voiced their praise for the new union. "What did you just call me?" said Te - a (Tah-dash-ah), in support of the Church's maneuver. Evidently, this bold merger has made waves in the African-American community, changing the nature of the beloved holiday steeped in almost several decades of tradition. A mainstay of Black culture in America, Kwanzaa celebrations are formative experiences in the lives of every child. "I'm sorry, I don't know what that is," said Sean Greene, 12, about his favorite December 26th holiday. His uncle, Jamal "Baby Daddy" Jackson lit up at the mere mention of the event, explaining just how much Kwanzaa meant to him: "Absolutely nothing." Experts do expect to see changes made to old traditions due to the new ownership. The Guiding Principles may be replaced entirely by a list of ten rules, described by sources inside the Church as "more like a list of Do Nots." Already confirmed is the modification of Kwanzaa décor; the Vatican has now decreed that instead of colorful cloth or African art, observers should paint their rooms freely, using a color of paint that exactly matches the walls. Also in committee is the proposal to reschedule the holiday. Most probable among them, sources say, is February 30.