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In This Issue

• Church Purchases Kwanzaa
• What Goes on in Santa's Head While You Sit on His Lap
• The Netherlands Corner
• Iranipedia: Hannukah
• Celebrity Gravestones!
• Insanity, Actually
• Querido Santa
• These Are A Few of Our Favorite Things
• The Fed Presents: "Aporkalypse"
• Are You Having a Bad Christmas?
• A Very WASP-y Christmas
• Dear Santa
• got meth?
• Letter From the Feditrix
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Rowan Buchanan

Greetings, Friends and Family!

The Holiday Season is upon us, and you know what that means: the annual Wolfington Family Update!

Let us start with the youngest of our brood, Eleanor. She just turned eleven, and she successfully lost THREE pounds this summer at fat camp-now we have some hope of getting her married off. In the meantime, she is busy with ballet, piano, violin, swimming, gymnastics, French lessons, horseback riding, indoor sailing, golf, and daily morning yoga routines. Ellie is also becoming quite proficient in Spanish; we think it is important that she understand the lawnmowers and maids.

Moving on, Chip is developing into a fine young man. He has been developing his leadership skills at the Sodomy Club he founded at his school. He and his friends are just adorable in their leather masks and chains. Chip also gives back to the community-he picks up trash on at the park four days a week (although we still view that methamphetamine business he was running from his dorm room at prep school as yet another sign that he will always be Mommy's little entrepreneur!). Chip recently purchased his fifth gun, and, after being recruited for golf, will be attending Princeton in the fall of next year.

Candace, having graduated from the University of Pennsylvania with a degree in human rights last spring, has just returned from Paris with a brand new penchant for life and a brand new nose. She is living in our house in Aspen, tackling her new passion: painting. She paints the most wonderful landscapes using human virgin blood.

My darling husband Thurston has been busy lately with his tennis and serial killing. He recently came back from a very productive trip to Whitechapel, London. Retracing the footprints of one of his greatest heroes was such a delight for him. He came back with the most spectacular collection of eyeballs. He even had a pair dipped in pure gold. Last month he bought a new Arabian stallion. A magnificent beast, perfect for those lonely nights. He has stopped smoking cigars. Now every Thursdays he and his friends go down to the local orphanage to taunt the children.

And I? Well, Thurston is so busy that I don't see him much...but I just installed a home bar! A little pick-me-up throughout the day has made the renovation of the Nantucket house so much easier. But we all know what it's like having to deal with immigrant worker contractors, don't we? Honestly, this year at Christmas dinner I'll be saying cheers to pure-blooded Americans! (And my Pomeranian, Cookie!)

We wish you the happiest of Christmases, and we hope to see you all in St. John's (although if you haven't booked tickets by now there is honestly no point in me sending you this letter-we clearly have little in common).

Peace on Earth,

Trixie Wolfington