• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• loving miss maple
• iTouch [Myself]
• Babies Compete for Brangelina's Affection
• Toshing It Around with Daniel Tosh
• CCSC Proposes Species-Neutral Housing
• "Frozen" Director Warms Up to The Fed
• The Belgian Corner
• Extension Emails: What I Wrote vs. What It Meant
• Ergonomic Sex Tips for the Female Engineer
• the morning after
• hipster in cc
• They Watch
• Letter From the Feditors
• The Staff of the Federalist

What I Wrote:
Dear Professor Jones,

I couldn't write my paper this weekend on the thematic role of the sirens in "The Odyssey" because my Grandma died Friday, and I have been mourning with my family. I am going to the funeral Monday, so the earliest I could hand it in is Wednesday.

-David

What It Meant:
Dear Professor Jones,

I performed a self-circumcision on myself while I was tripping on acid, and my penis hurts too much to move. Every time I try to write my paper I get an erection, and it is extremely painful. I will submit my paper when my penis heals.

-David

What I Wrote:
Dear Professor,

Something you said in class last Wednesday really sparked my interest and I think I'm going to take my essay in a new direction. This will involve a more complex and nuanced thesis, and I think I may need an extra day or two to give it justice.

-Cindy

What I Meant:
Dear Professor,

I'm sitting here in my Captain America underpants with my newly bought copies of "The Republic" and "Nicomachean Ethics," and after a gruesome half an hour of trying to get through them, I've come to the conclusion that they are just too painful to read. The best thesis I can come up with is "Plato and Aristotle are alike, but not too much." I have three Roman numerals on my page. The first one says "Aristotle likes Ethics." The second says "Plato's favorite political system is the republic." The third is "Differences?" I have a subpoint A under "differences?" but it is empty. About fifteen minutes ago, I actually had a sentence under A, but then I realized that I had written down the ingredients of my Twix bar. I'm not optimistic about the prospects of this paper, and have offered 20 bucks to the Asian kid on my floor to write it, but he can't do it until tomorrow because he has an internship. So, an extra day would be really appreciated...

-Cindy

What I Wrote:
Dear Professor,

I'm very sorry but I need an extension on my "Macbeth" essay. I've been swamped with work and my internship-I think I could do a much better job on the paper if I could have an extension until Monday.

-Mark

What I Meant:
Dear Professor,

I'm very sorry but I need an extension on my "Macbeth" essay. I woke up at 1:30 Friday afternoon after spending the previous night racing gerbils. I made 75 bucks! My friends and I played Settlers of Catan until 11-we made the game more exhilarating by incorporating tasers and super glue. After we bandaged ourselves up, we almost went to Campo, but instead we watched Speedracer on my laptop. I considered doing the essay for a moment, then I told my friends and we all laughed about it. I went to bed at 4:00 am, woke up at 4:30 pm and moved to my bed. I woke up Saturday at 10 which is crazy early but I had an intramural football game to go to. The other team didn't show up, so we sat on the sidewalk and created a system of rating women based on their attractiveness, fuckbability, biological viability, and general worth. Then we made a song to remember the system by. We got back to Columbia at 2PM, and I masturbated, twice. I was so exhausted from the orgasms that I collapsed in bed and did not wake up until Sunday morning. I didn't do anything Sunday besides collect lint. I'm sure my paper won't be good, even if you give me an extension, but at least I'll write it.

-Mark