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In This Issue

• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Blood Donor Laws Become More Strict in the Year 2010
• Valentine’s Day Box-Office Success Spawns a Succession of Sequels
• Thoughts in My First Snowstorm

According to Gary Marshall's live-in caretaker, the director has decided to spend the next three years of his life filming six sequels to his hit Valentine's Day, a rom-com starring...(see attached.) With the film New Years already in the works, Marshall pitched five other holiday-fun movies to producers at Warner Brother's Studios.

The third movie in the series, Arbor Day, stars Taylor Lautner, Emma Roberts, Danny Glover, Cher, the fat lady from the Snapple commercials, the fat guy from the Subway commercials, and Rosie O'Donell. Lautner will play that tree from Avatar and Pocahontas. The rest of the cast will play leaves. During the course of the presentation, a Warner Brothers executive asked Marshall what the plot of the movie will be. Marshall asked if he could use that in a sentence. After two minutes of silence and unacknowledged flatulents by Marshall, the director began to describe the fourth movie, Halloween.

Starring Jamie Lee Curtis with a screenplay by John Carpenter, Marshall described this upcoming film as "a classic movie for the modern era." Marshall even divulged the end of the film: after apparently killing the villain, Myers, multiple times, including shooting him off a balcony, he still survives for potential spin-offs and sequels. At this point in the presentation, the executives all had one looming question on their minds: wasn't this supposed to be a romantic comedy? Marshall ignored the comment and moved on to his fifth movie, Purim.

Marshall began this part of the presentation by saying that he wanted the fifth movie in the sequence to be Groundhog Day until he found out that a movie by the same name existed, at which point he laughed, "and wouldn't making a repeat movie be just ridiculous?!" Purim, starring Adam Sandler, Sarah Silverman, Jonah Hill, Adam Lambert, Natalie Portman, and Sarah Palin, is a movie about a group of friends who write secret love confessions to each other and hide them in Hamantashens. But, when Lambert's character accidently hides his in Sandler's grogger, a Homo-Judeo erotic fantasy ensues, complete with a pink chupah, matching bedazzled dreidals, and, in the words of Marshall, "big old mato balls." The executives, being astonished by such a plot, took the idea to a vote and unanimously came to the conclusion that this was their favorite pitch in the meeting thus far. Marshall asked them to not be so hasty in making such a decision, as the most exciting holiday rom-com was about to be revealed: Mean Girls Facebook Status Day.

This movie, slated to be released in 2016, will star Justin Bieber and an undisclosed, elderly Catholic priest. When asked what this movie would be focused on, Marshall had but two words.

"Glenn Coco."

If Warner Brothers producers agree to Marshall's proposed larger budget, which includes requests for an electric wheelchair and water aerobics classes at the local JCC, production will begin on these films as early as October.