• Join The Fed
• Advertise with The Fed

• About Us
• Contact

In This Issue

• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Blood Donor Laws Become More Strict in the Year 2010
• Valentine’s Day Box-Office Success Spawns a Succession of Sequels
• Thoughts in My First Snowstorm

The US Food and Drug Association decided on Tuesday that the restrictions on those who are able to donate blood will be much more stern after an undisclosed women, who may or may not be Courtney Love, peed in her donation upon giving it to the blood bank. According to an FDA executive, not only will those who have been to Africa, have engaged in sex for drugs or money since the year 1977, or have been/will be a man who has slept with men and/or kangaroos not be able to donate blood, but also the following demographics of individuals.

All women (including but not limited to teenagers, women in their twenties, flappers, professional wrestlers, and Chaz Bono) are prohibited from donating blood if they have done any or all of the following activities:

1) Taken birth control.
2) Thrown up in their purse a little after a night of drinking and/or shuffle-boarding
3) Sat backwards on the N train between 8th street and 42nd street
4) Provided life assistance/CPR to any of the four Baldwin Brothers (not to be confused with the Chicago electric lounge music group named the Baldwin Brothers. That would be ok.)
5) Traveled to Outer Space

All men (including but not limited to David Cassidy of TV's megahit The Partridge Family) are prohibited from donating blood if they have done any or all of the following activities:

1) Peed in a urinal within the Old Yankees Stadium
2) Watched HBO's Real Sex seven (7) times between the ages of 14 and 22
3) Licked a tree
4) Entered into a three-legged race with Nancy Grace of the highly esteemed HLN network
5) Tiger Woods

A representative of the FDA stated that these new laws were devised by a group of scientists and Paula Dean, Southern Cook Extraordinaire. These restrictions are already causing frenzy within the medical world. With hospitals in need for blood, these further restrictions will limit the eligible blood donors to approximately 3.5 people, not including Bret Michaels. When a reporter asked Dean her solution to the blood donor problem, she replied, "butter."

These new laws will take effect within the coming weeks.