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In This Issue

• Colombia Spectador
• "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy Expanded
• Tons of Interesting People Not to Speak At Class Day
• Columbia Goes Green
• Alan Zweibel Talks Comedy
• Vulture Culture
• Why "Tony Gong Explains the Universe" Is the Worst Column Ever"
• Hey, Bro or: How I Learned to Chillax and Love Trite Columbia Humor
• Jody's Nonsensical Droppings
• Re: Spectador editor laughs for first time sine 5th birthday
• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• U.S. Announces Stricter Blood Donor Requirements
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Coming Soon to a Television Near You "CSI: Columbia University"
• Vote Fed Party!
• A Letter from the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, which prohibits gay and lesbians from openly serving in the U.S. military and working as wait staff at La Salsa, has received renewed attention recently by President Obama's announcement that the policy will be repealed within the next year.

President Obama has been considering both sides to this very hot issue. Last week, he spent thirty continuous hours drinking beer with military leaders and Congressmen, and recited the closing speech from "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" a total of fifteen times. The session resulted in a compromise that, according to President Obama in a press conference last week, would
"give Americans the power-nay, the privilege-to achieve more than they have ever conceived as being within their grasp."

Congress has agreed to repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military in exchange for a similar policy in the following areas of civilian life:

A "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy will be enacted, effective immediately, on all health insurance queries. A patient requiring care from a physician is not permitted to tell the physician of his or her insurance status, nor is the physician permitted to ask. Physicians have been a major proponent in the policy, explaining that, in the words of one anonymous physician, "some patients have insurance, and some don't. We kind of know, just by looking at them, which is which, but it creates an uncomfortable and unprofessional environment. I'd prefer not to know, and I think they're prefer not to tell."

"Don't Ask, Don'st Tell" will be the new rule in our nation's public schools, as well. Gone are quizzes and exams-indeed, any evaluation of a student's abilities at all. Competency in reading, writing, and arithmetic will simply be assumed. Teachers are encouraged not to ask questions in class that might reveal a student's actual knowledge of the subject, just as students are encouraged not to tell their teachers if they are struggling.

The economy is also subject to the new legislation. While transparency has been a major concern for most Americans, the practice has only led, in the words of President Obama, "to despair and destitution, to heartbreak and heartache, to lost homes and lost dreams." Stockholders and CEOs alike are now bound to a "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy that forbids stockholders from asking about their company's performance that quarter, and forbids CEOs from divulging their expenditures. According to Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernacke, "there's going to be rampant corruption on Wall Street either way. At least this way we won't have to know about it."

More controversial acts that have not yet been ratified by Congress include the extension of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" to: a potential sexual partner's HIV status, past pet history in the renting of condominiums, and the age of consent.