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In This Issue

• Colombia Spectador
• "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy Expanded
• Tons of Interesting People Not to Speak At Class Day
• Columbia Goes Green
• Alan Zweibel Talks Comedy
• Vulture Culture
• Why "Tony Gong Explains the Universe" Is the Worst Column Ever"
• Hey, Bro or: How I Learned to Chillax and Love Trite Columbia Humor
• Jody's Nonsensical Droppings
• Re: Spectador editor laughs for first time sine 5th birthday
• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• U.S. Announces Stricter Blood Donor Requirements
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Coming Soon to a Television Near You "CSI: Columbia University"
• Vote Fed Party!
• A Letter from the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

HAVANA CENTRAL-Columbia College Student Council members announced that a whole lot of really cool people will not be speaking at this year's Class Day, the celebration for the graduating class of 2010.  Said Senior Class President Cliff Massey, "Um... right.  So, yeah."

The Class Day speaker selection has often sparked the flames of students' frustrations. In 2006, seniors rebuked John McCain on the grounds that he did not represent the political or ideological views of the student body. In 2007, similar complaints targeted Matthew Fox, who campus publications universally declared "a total fucking douchebag."

Massey explained that Class Day speakers were required to have some connection to Columbia College.  "That ruled out our top two choices: Lady Gaga, who went to NYU, and Toruk the flying orange dinosaur from "Avatar"... who is imaginary."

The "close enough" rule, which would make eligible cocaine dealers from Colombia  and distant relatives of dead white men among other nominally related candidates, was not put into effect.  It was last invoked in 2002, when a rather disappointing Class Day speech was given by the late space shuttle Columbia.

Still, seniors found that the number of cool people who were not asked to see if they wanted to maybe come talk to us for a little bit was far higher than in the past. 

Cries of "didn't we have a president that went here?" prompted debate within the audience.  Chase Putnam CC'10 began the catchy "We want Hamilton!" chant that echoed down Broadway.  He then proposed that Presidents Lerner and Math be considered,  also.

Supporters of the shortlisted candidates were especially disappointed. "What about Sotomayor?" said Class Treasurer and Lesbian Cindy Fingers.  Newly appointed Supreme Court Justice Sonya Sotomayor was among the top candidates, along with actress Julia Stiles and Former President Bill Clinton, who publicly declined.

"Oh no, I'm not going near Barnard again," the former President chuckled, covering his groin and wagging his finger suggestively.  He later apologized to reporters for what quickly devolved into an extremely uncomfortable press conference. 

In the end, the Student Council selected Benjamin Boring, CC'something to blah blah blah who cares.  "When I Googled him all I found was a picture of a shitzu.  I think he does dog shows?  Or is a dog?" said one senior in Sigma Nu. 

"I'll tell you why I'm mad," said Aiden Plant SEAS'10.  "Turns out the guy's a Rhodes Scholar who grooms shitzus now.  Shitzus.  That's all he does.  How is a 44-year-old man who cleans dog butts supposed to inspire me?  We should've just had some boob to look at for an hour. I'm talking Julia. Or Sonya." 

At the night's closing, Massey gave a compelling speech in support of Jealous, who is like the first black President of the NCAA or something.

"Isn't President Obama a Columbia graduate?" said one student.

"Who?" said Cliff Massy.