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In This Issue

• Colombia Spectador
• "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy Expanded
• Tons of Interesting People Not to Speak At Class Day
• Columbia Goes Green
• Alan Zweibel Talks Comedy
• Vulture Culture
• Why "Tony Gong Explains the Universe" Is the Worst Column Ever"
• Hey, Bro or: How I Learned to Chillax and Love Trite Columbia Humor
• Jody's Nonsensical Droppings
• Re: Spectador editor laughs for first time sine 5th birthday
• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• U.S. Announces Stricter Blood Donor Requirements
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Coming Soon to a Television Near You "CSI: Columbia University"
• Vote Fed Party!
• A Letter from the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

In response to a recent study, which ranked Columbia University as the least environmentally friendly school in the Ivy League, the University has renewed its efforts to "going green."  Columbia administrators have drafted a list of changes to be made over the next twelve months, which will reportedly pervade every element of campus, from the lawns to the food.

Columbia's groomed and rarely-used lawns are, as one Ecoreps put it, "consuming more water than Horatio Sanz on E, but looking a helluvalot prettier." That is why, according to President Bollinger, they are "the perfect springboard for going green. Who doesn't like a nice mowed carpet?" Using redirected funds from Columbia's financial aid budget, all pavement and concrete on campus will immediately be covered with artificial grass. "Now the entire ground will be green," said a smiling Bollinger. "All of it."

Student academic life will also receive a jolt of green. All students and faculty will be obligated to spend one hour each week listening to physicist Brian Greene lecture. Asked whether he thought humanities students would find his lectures incomprehensible, Greene responded, "sometimes attaining the deepest familiarity with a question is our best substitute for actually having the answer." No one is sure what this means.

Even the dining halls will be going green. In addition to receiving a new coat of green paint, John Jay will be replacing all meat-based dishes with cucumbers, spinach, limes, and unripe bananas. Ferris Booth will also undergo changes--the pasta line will offer only peas, broccoli, and pesto sauce. In fact, all food at Ferris Booth will, inexplicably, be topped with pesto sauce. Furthermore, rotten fish will be offered in lieu of traditional sushi, in the hope that the subsequent food poisoning causes students to develop a greenish hue.

Columbia has suggested that it may even alter its admissions policy. Of those applicants who submit a picture, the Undergraduate Admissions Office has hinted that it will give special consideration to short, Irish men with a flair for the dramatic. "I wouldn't use the world Leprechaun" said Monica Bateman, head of admissions, "but let's just say we're looking for our own lucky charm."