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In This Issue

• Colombia Spectador
• "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Policy Expanded
• Tons of Interesting People Not to Speak At Class Day
• Columbia Goes Green
• Alan Zweibel Talks Comedy
• Vulture Culture
• Why "Tony Gong Explains the Universe" Is the Worst Column Ever"
• Hey, Bro or: How I Learned to Chillax and Love Trite Columbia Humor
• Jody's Nonsensical Droppings
• Re: Spectador editor laughs for first time sine 5th birthday
• Getting Wet at Gethard's
• U.S. Announces Stricter Blood Donor Requirements
• Columbia Secret Societies
• Coming Soon to a Television Near You "CSI: Columbia University"
• Vote Fed Party!
• A Letter from the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Karl Marx demonstrates the concept of the invisible hand

The Occult Omnanists' secret hand signal

When one hears the words "secret society," he may think of Yale's "Skull and Bones." However, what most people do not know is that Columbia has had its own share of secret societies and mystery groups. After a decade-long thorough investigation, The Fed has managed to get the dirt on some of Columbia's most secretive sects. We present some of the highlights from Columbia's hidden history.

1. The Occult Onanists (Founded 1865. Active until 1884.)

This group of spiritualists believed that through the act of onanism (i.e. masturbation), one could communicate with the spirits of the dead. They would meet in basements and other secluded areas, to help each other achieve a connection with the world of spirits. They would moan and shout in unison, the harmony of their voices bringing harmony to the ether of super-reality.

2. The Darwinists (Founded 1891. Active until 1891.)

These young men believed that Charles Robert Darwin, the famous naturalist, was in fact the only begotten son of God. Darwin was sent to earth as a man to discover and preach the gospel of evolution. However, the group disbanded after taking the "survival of the fittest" ethos to heart, engaging in a brutal fight to the death to determine the society's leader.

3. The Patricians of Purity (Founded 1923. Active until 1955.)

These paramours of ancient Roman life and culture would meet to converse in Latin, read Virgil, and pine for the good old days before Caesar. However, they also had a burning hatred of obesity, which they believed to be the ultimate form of impurity. Taking matters into their own hands, they would sneak around at night and perform covert liposuction operations. They then sold the fat to Columbia's Dining Services.

4. The Middle Earth Project (Founded 1958. Active until 1965.)

Named after the Manhattan Project, this organization was created by young scientists and dreamers whose goal was to use selective breeding to create the various creatures and races that inhabited J.R.R. Tolkien's "The Lord of the Rings." Their most extensive efforts went towards breeding combinations of horse-jockeys and prairie dogs in order to produce a Hobbit. It is not known whether they were successful.

6. The Marxist-Smith Collective (Founded 1983. Active until 1992.)

This group consisted of open-minded individuals who were enamored by the political philosophy of Karl Marx, yet at the same time had a deep connection to Adam Smith's concept of market. Unable to find a way for the two systems to coexist, they would alternate weeks. One week they would be communists, and the next they would be capitalists. Reportedly, the group's founding members included President Obama.

7. The Warriors of Azeroth (Founded 1994. Active until 2002.)
Long before the online game World of Warcraft, Columbia students would gather together, dressed as orcs and humans, and battle one another. In between fights they would collect resources and build structures such as town halls and barracks. However, active members soon became addicted to their activities, and within less than a decade, the club disbanded due to issues of hygiene and academic performance.

Notes:
1: Onanism: This term is derived from the biblical story of Onan who "spilled his seed." This displeased God, and Onan was smote.