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In This Issue

• Stephan Vincenzo: 2 Legendary 2 Die
• Columbia College Graduation Replaced by Job Fair
• Confessions of a Poppy Seed Eater
• Senior Wisdom: The Adventurous One
• Senior Wisdom: The Nostalgic One
• Senior Wisdom: The Old One
• Warning: Social Ruin May Occur
• "39 Steps" to Successful Comedy
• A Letter to the T.A. Currently Fellating Me
• Bored at Butler
• God Ashes on Europe
• YEEAAAAHH
• got meth?
• Letter From the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Columbia University's graduation ceremony has been cancelled, and 40,000 relatives and family friends of the Columbia University Class of 2010 will meet on May 17th to help everyone find a job, President Lee C. Bollinger might have said in an email. Formerly known as "University Commencement," graduation will be replaced by a free free-for-all job fair open to all schools and students. Despite the changes, everything is expected to look just about the same.

"I heard like everyone was going to be there and it was going to be fun," said Nanine Flafferty, CC'10. "That's not what it used to be."

Commencement, a stale vestige of Ivy League pomp, included long-winded speeches by unknown members of the faculty, showering canned advice on stale ears. But the new style of graduation ceremony will prepare students in wholly new ways for the outside world, according to campus rumor.

Students now have the chance to claw into alumni and the friends of friends' family friends in their everlasting search for opportunity. Taken from the French commencement (English: "commencement"), Commencement will be a literal beginning for those who do not yet have a future.

"Now that I know what it's really about, I'm gonna network the nips off some people until they're bleeding out contact information like a [expletive]," said Boston Marketstein, CC'10. Marketstein is among the 94% of the Columbia College graduating class without a fixed employment opportunity for the upcoming year, or, as dubbed by Columbia Office of Career Services (COCS), "a chance in hell."

"The poor bastards," said Oranjello Kendricks, COCS Deputy Head of Student Affairs. "The poor fucking bastards."

SEAS students, who have spent four years making themselves useful to the outside world, find themselves in a somewhat different position. "We are so chilling," said Sen Tra Park, SEAS '10. "So hard," he added.

This year, mothers will now tell other mothers all of the amazing things their son or daughter has done, and how proud they are of him or her and your child too. Grandparents will mention how things were harder in the old days, but will offer immense support and hard candies for the youngsters suffering through this economic downturn.

The financial crisis was a major catalyst for the change in event policy, a classmate mentioned to a friend of the author. Each professor's speech will be charged with the emotional intensity of one whose job is on the line.

In related news, selections of Bollinger's speech (allegedly entitled, "Honestly, What Else Could You Get For One Hundred And Sixty Thousand Dollars, Like Really") were leaked and uploaded to Bwog, the web log operated by Columbia's Blue & White journal. In an opening paragraph, he will tell gathered graduates and family to "stop sending me letters," and to "bug some one else for a change." For as yet unknown reasons, he is also expected to mention 40,000 Tom's milkshakes, a six year-old Maybach, and four-and-a-half years at Princeton.

Seniors in the College will continue to rehearse for the upcoming networking event over the course of the next few weeks.

"I need to prepare. That's why I'm drinking this 18-pack by myself," said Gerald, a CC senior who wanted to remain completely anonymous. "A businessman might want to meet over drinks one day, and I've got to be ready."

Students' four years of illumination will be seen through the prism of the graduation ceremonies. The value of their schooling will be conveyed through displays of diplomas, and their ability to schmooze and hobnob.

"Dude, that's exactly what happened at our graduation," said Ari Finkelbaum CC '09. Added Finnegan Teasdale, CC '31, professor of ethics at the University of East Anglia, "Yup. Mine, too."