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In This Issue

• Stephan Vincenzo: 2 Legendary 2 Die
• Columbia College Graduation Replaced by Job Fair
• Confessions of a Poppy Seed Eater
• Senior Wisdom: The Adventurous One
• Senior Wisdom: The Nostalgic One
• Senior Wisdom: The Old One
• Warning: Social Ruin May Occur
• "39 Steps" to Successful Comedy
• A Letter to the T.A. Currently Fellating Me
• Bored at Butler
• God Ashes on Europe
• YEEAAAAHH
• got meth?
• Letter From the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

Brenda Salinas

Faux pas (noun): French for false step. A major breach in etiquette. A social blunder.

Whether traveling across the world this summer or returning to the old haunts of home, remember that you are a representative of Columbia University, the Ivy League, any secret society you may or may not have joined, and most importantly, the Elite.

Proper social etiquette is not limited to your upper-middle-class table matters, aspiring yuppie. In the absence of a family tree rooted in selective social breeding, avoid the following faux pas. It's the least you can do.

DO NOT:

1) Give anyone an even number of flowers fewer than a dozen. This considerably morbid act is only appropriate when attending a funeral or toddler's birthday party.

2) Leave chopsticks standing in a bowl of rice or other food. Considered a grave social blunder in many Asian cultures and all of SEAS, this act is akin to urinating on the grave site of your ancestors.

3) Correct anyone's pronunciation. Whether in English, German, or French, calling attention to someone's obvious intellectual deficiencies is the work of the poor. It should also be noted that correct pronunciation of "Nietzche" is a infallible yuppie mating call and mustn't be thrown about.

4) Point the Brie. The major social blunder of lopping off the more preferable tip of the communal wedge for your own use instead of cutting it lengthwise is the sign of an utter reprobate. If you don't know what I'm referring to, go back to downloading Creed songs and drinking Natural Ice.

5) Photograph (or Facebook tag) a homely person without their permission. In conjunction with Rawls' equal opportunity principle, ugly people should be allowed to present their least-repulsive angle to the defenseless world. Ugly people, please do not tag more than four pictures of yourselves on Facebook.

6) The "thumbs up" gesture. This gesture is not only considered obscene in some parts of the world, but also universally acknowledged to be tacky and stupid by anyone without bleached tips and/or a Hawaiian shirt.

I hope that these six rules have given you some basic sense on proper conduct in the outside world. Follow the rules strictly and reap the benefits. I guarantee you'll find yourself sailing past St. Bart's on a gold-plated yacht while a small multilingual child feeds you grapes sprinkled with diamond dust in no time.