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In This Issue

• Stephan Vincenzo: 2 Legendary 2 Die
• Columbia College Graduation Replaced by Job Fair
• Confessions of a Poppy Seed Eater
• Senior Wisdom: The Adventurous One
• Senior Wisdom: The Nostalgic One
• Senior Wisdom: The Old One
• Warning: Social Ruin May Occur
• "39 Steps" to Successful Comedy
• A Letter to the T.A. Currently Fellating Me
• Bored at Butler
• God Ashes on Europe
• YEEAAAAHH
• got meth?
• Letter From the Feditors
• They Watch
• The Staff of the Federalist

For the past 2,500 years or so, the Varsity Show has been mocking the Columbian way of life. In the beginning, the show was a brief two scenes and took about an hour to put together. Similar to the first thirty minutes of "2001: A Space Odyssey," it mostly involved monkeys running aimlessly around the stage and beating each other with bones.

As those of us privileged enough to have witnessed more recent productions can attest, the plot has not changed, but the run time is now pushing more like two-and-a-half hours.

So, one might ask, why have millions upon millions upon millions of Columbians, who pride themselves on snobbery like "culture" and "knowledge" and "adroitness" and "gin and tonic"and "knowing all the words to every Arcade Fire song and thinking they are just okay" and "flannel RayBan glasses" and "reading The New Yorker even though you fi nd topical satire declasse" and "thinking how yesterday SoHo really is," bothered to witness and re-witness this "EVENT" in the name of "school spirit" and "cheekily mocking of the administration for failing to address legitimate grievances"?

We may never know, but the fact that we have stuck by it for the past 10,000 centuries makes me think, Columbia, we all need to look in the mirror and WATCH THE THEY!!!