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December 2011
Issue 27.2:
Posted: December 10, 2011

Adventures on DateMySchool.com

A critical exegesis of the paradigmatic shift in how to "get laid"

Brendan Simon

 

I feel the need to preface this article by saying that I am a straight male. With that out of the way: I scored sooo many guys on datemyschool.com. 

If you’re familiar with The Federalist, then you know that our journalists are willing to travel to the end of the world and back in order to deliver the journalistic prowess our readers have come to expect. When datemyschool.com was brought up at the discussion table, therefore, I volunteered to put my virgin asshole on the line for the sake of you gracious readers. So it came to pass that GrandeSpooner, the bisexual “feisty single who’s looking to get down, but [who’s] also looking for a relationship if that’s what you’re into” was born. What follows are the chronicles of my slow realization that a semi-legitimate part of my life had become warding off males who were even feistier than I, the original feisty single. 

Hour One

It started with chipgurl. Her profile describes her as liking “chips, Rent, and people who like chips.” Coupled with her profile picture of multigrain Tostito’s chips, it’s safe to say I was head over heels for this sex kitten. With the Fed staff hovering over my shoulder, I nervously sent my first instant message. “Fuck, I think you’re my soul mate. I fucking love chips. Fuckkk.” From there, chipgurl and I really hit it off. We bonded over our mutual love of Elf and, of course, chips. I really felt like I was the grande spoon of guacamole to her Tostitos scoops. Intercourse. I’m talking about intercourse. I got a little too excited, and typed “too soon for dick pics?” Amidst a chorus of “you blew it!” from the Fed staff, whose logo is sodomy, I quickly typed, “I’m so sorry, that was my friend.” She totally bought it. I have since used that excuse a total of 8 times. 

Hour Two

As a new user, two things surprised me the most. First and foremost, DateMySchool lets you know when anyone looks at your profile; I already had 27 profile views. More surprisingly: 19 of those views were dudes. Okay fine, you caught me. It’s not a surprise at all. I have been referred to on multiple occasions as “queerbait.”

Hour Three

Who’s the queerbait now? I currently have invitations to hook up with singles at NYU, Parsons, and Fordham – tonight. A Sunday for what that’s worth. The Lord’s Day or whatever. Okay fine. All of them are guys. Although I suppose the opportunity to “hook up in one of the music practice rooms…although someone could walk in at any time ;) lol” is a viable way to procrastinate on my UWriting essay. 

Day Two 

The implications of my actions are starting to set in. Overnight, I jumped from 27 profile views to 52. My page was “favorited” at 9:24 in the morning. I had seven messages waiting for me in my inbox. Yes, they were all from guys. Also, this happened: 

Shaken, but not stirred, I persisted on. I noticed a girl’s recent status update, under the username ISABELLEBJDJ, who is apparently a blowjob disc jockey. She wrote, “basically. im going to be a smartass if you contact me so if you’re sensitive, or conservative you might want to try somewhere else.” Our conversation was as follows:

 

GRANDESPOONER: let’s see what you go smartass

GRANDESPOONER: got*

ISABELLEBJDJ: ^ THERE YOU GO 

ISABELLEBJDJ: already flaked

G: goddamn you got me so flaked

G: you’re like crazy witty

I: its a curse we’re both going to have to live with 

 

G: last i checked, i don’t have to live with your wittiness if i so choose

I: i wasn’t asking

G: i’m gonna be honest, that was more or less a non sequitur

G: i’m seriously reconsidering your wittiness

I: go ahead
I: no one is stopping you

G: ok, i have reconsidered.
G: would you like to know the verdict?

I: not really but would that stop you

G: do you want it to?

I: do you want to fuck me?
I: do you know the definition of a rhetorical question?

G: i do in fact konw the definition of a rhetorical question. do you?

G: also what’s this about fucking?

I: i was making a point

G: what point were you making

I: the fact that you would probably tell me anyways in order to make some sort of play against my cold outer barrier. the fact of the matter is this website has made me loose all hope in humanity
I: its only made me more distrusting of men

G: did i tell you what the verdict was?

I: no
I: but you don’t need to tell me

G: oh sorry, that was a rhetorical question

G: do you know what that means? 

 

 

Day Three

It is with great pride that I say I received my first inbox from a female. A certain BeachBabe2231, in fact. The gentle curves of her cheeks caress the bone structure of her gorgeous shoulders, and her eyes radiate a sort of confident knowing that invites me into her arms yet keeps me balanced on my toes. She carries herself with an elegant combination of at-ease beauty and powerful purpose, instantly emanating a distinctly human divinity. Also, she’s got some huge tits. I think I’m going to have sex with her. 

Day Seven

Still no word back from BeachBabe. We had a delicious kinky instant message session after I responded to her inbox, and then: nothing. I’m finding it hard to play it cool. I can’t look at her profile because she would receive a notification that I had done so. I can’t let her know that I had been thinking of her. It’s the golden rule of scoring girls. So I resisted the urge to show her profile off to my friends or get to know what makes her tick via the interwebz. I can’t even masturbate to her photos. 

Week Two

I met BeachBabe. In person. We totally hooked up. I should probably fill you in on an important detail though. BeachBabe, as it turns out, was a fake profile created by some friends next door. They took pictures of an attractive girl from Facebook, created a profile, and sent me messages. I totally didn’t buy into it! I swear. There’s a zero percent chance that I had a recurring dream about BeachBabe, or couldn’t stop smiling on the late sleepless nights. I’d like to take note here: making a fake datemyschool profile and pretending to be somebody you’re not is sick and perverse. It can really tamper with hearts. Today, the broken heart is mine. I thought I had the girl of my dreams, and instead I just had some friends next door. And lo and behold: those friends were guys. 

So, I write now with a tinge of defeat in my mission. I now have over 400 profile views, 38 inboxes, and 15 “faves.” And here’s what I have to show for it. I brought my big guns to my datemyschool profile. Username GrandeSpooner, a profile picture that screams “take me,” and an innuendo-laced description. I guess there’s just something about the way I look that attracts gay guys. I guess I should be flattered, knowing that there’s someone out there heartbroken over the curve of my soft cheekbones and my fat cock. In the meantime, I have decided to make GrandeSpooner attracted to exclusively girls for a while. I encourage all fine ladies to get up on datemyschool and check my profile out. If you’re a grenade don’t even waste your damn time. Holla real talk. And lastly, but most importantly: if you’re a semi-attractive to good-looking male: get yo ass on datemyschool.com. I can’t speak exactly as to when datemyschool became a dirty hook-up site for gay guys, but I mean hey: it was founded at Columbia, right?