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In This Issue
- Letter From the Editor
- They Watch
- Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
- Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
- Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
- Columbiascopes
- Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
- Tweets of the Week
- Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
- The First Danksgiving Miracle
- Santa Claus is actually Jewish
- What Do You Think?
- “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
- The Yellow Term Paper
- #ivyleagueproblems
- If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
- New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
- Dance for me, Millie
- How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
- Adventures on DateMySchool.com
- Decoded
- Ask Mark
- Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
- Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
- “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
- “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair
Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
Elliott Grieco
Craig Steinberg, SEAS ‘14, was caught in a John Jay dorm participating in rounds of Jager bombs, according to Residential Housing authorities. Steinberg is known on campus as the exemplar of model drinking, having achieved a perfect score on his Alcohol.edu entrance examination. The current legal drinking age across the United States is 21 years old.
Craig’s friends remarked how Craig was usually incredibly resistant to peer drinking pressure, quoting up to date statistics about teen drinking behavior to defend his decision to not drink until turning 21.
“Sometimes Craig would just sip on diet ginger ale while the rest of us pounded down Stones until we puked. We made it look so appealing too: his resilience was incredible.”
Ask Alice!, which leads the majority of the public health initiatives on campus, remarked that Craig was a model Alcohol.edu student. “Craig completely filled out all of the surveys about his past and future drinking behavior with a refreshing candidness, and was the first to complete the program among the entire class.” The Alcohol.edu program currently suffers from an astonishing 87% failure rate.
Pending review by the Columbia College board of Don’t-Do-That (DDT), Craig will face a minimum sentencing of a sincere apology to his resident advisor, and a maximum allowable penalty of a stern warning against repeating the behavior in the future. Craig is currently detained in Butler, or potentially just studying for his Chemistry exam tomorrow that he is incredibly behind on.
When probed for his motivation to consume alcohol, Craig responded “Give me a break! It’s already difficult enough to concentrate with this massive hangover.”