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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

Greg Sestero (also known as Mark from The Room) has answered your most urgent questions. Really. He is also writing a book, which he would probably like you to buy. It’s called Locked Inside ‘The Room’ and is scheduled to be published at the end of 2012 by Simon and Schuster. Do you want to ask Greg and/or Mark a question? Email your question(s) to thefed@columbia.edu, and look for Greg’s answers in the next issue.

1. I really admire your hair. I think that I could get tons of bitches with locks like yours. How do you do it? 

–Lacking lusciousness in Lerner

Dear Lusciousness,

The key in obtaining the shiny locks is a difficult and time consuming task. Playing lots of football with your best friend in a tuxedo, drinking a gallon of scotchka, and staircase sex get the ball rolling. If this isn’t possible, try throwing a buddy off a roof. Then, go smoke a joint.

2. Many scholars believe that the historical legacy of the Magna Carta has been vastly overstated. What are your thoughts on this monumental dilemma? 

–Worried in Wien

Dear Worried,

Yes, definitely overstated. I believe that King John of England should have repelled the charter, much like the bank shunned Johnny for his promotion. The Magna Carta forced itself onto the English people much like Lisa did onto Mark, which the response must have been echoed “Why did you do this to me?” In the end, the old saying by the breast cancer-ed Claudette wins out: “Men and women use and abuse each other, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

3. In the opinion of Mark, is Johnny a Christ figure—is his self-sacrifice an atonement for the sins of humanity? 

–Fan girl in Furnald

Dear Ms. Furnald,

In Mark’s mind, Johnny was well on his way to becoming a Christ figure. A mortal savior. When the gunshot was heard in The Room beyond, and upon first seeing the morbid body lay bloody before him, Mark saw his sins channeled into the bullet that struck deep in Johnny’s thick caveman-like skull. However, since Johnny records everything, Mark soon found a video tape that captured the heinous footage of the cuckolded Johnny humping Lisa’s torn red dress just before exacting his revenge. What man climaxes, then immediately puts a gun barrel in his mouth and pulls the trigger?  Mark realized no such Christ figure could do such a thing, only a perverted vampire.