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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

myass itches if I scratchitthe lady behind me will see and then…waitwhogives a fuck I’m scratching it…oh yeah…oh…oh doesn’t matterIstill feel really self conscious if I turn around I can see if she’s feeling as uncomfortable as I amaboutscratcing my assinbroaddaylight okjust turnslowly wait that’s too slow you look suspicious turn quicker no don’t it’s too late if you speed up it’ll look like you’re trying tocatch her doing something that’ll be weird oh I’m doingit anyway ohgod she’s facing me now I’m staring now she’s staring at me ok just look slightly more in the direction you turned like there’ssomething over there oh shit it’s a man in a wheel chair what is he doing here at four in the morning on Black Friday oh I’m staring again and this is way more rude quick turn ahead oh hey the lines moving I can see thedoortogetin I gottaget there ok if I justsqueeze throughand sweet I’m in this place is so goddamn colorful ok what did tommy say he some xbox shit god something stupidsounding like uh ah ok modernwarfare3 call of shit orsomething oh dutybut with a u-t-y ok well lets see oh wow60$ forthatcrap jeeze oh god there’s a huge crowdaround the videogame section I thought I’d be the only one noneof these people showered ohjesus it smells like everyoneis exhaling through their asshole ok I see Bill there Ibet he knows more about this he’s got an older kid maybe if I kindawave to him ok I’m gonna start waving I think I’ll just go for the one swingwave and see what comes of it okthat didn’t work try sayingbill kinda shouty but not screechy so its like “oh I wonder if someone wants me/that’s weird Im bill” something like that oklets try it oh wow that was a lot higher register than I thought I sounded like a chipmunk oh ok he heardme he’s coming towards me oh boy I regret this I don’t even like bill ok look down no wait don’t lookdown if you do you’ll lose your place ok try looking away but not too away likebeyond him like itwasn’t you who said it and maybe he’ll feel awkward andleave oh he’s walking right pass me wow is that todd oh god is he yep he’s choking todd oh god there’s a fight run its not worth it holy shit im on the ground when did that happen oh fuck someonesteppedonmyfuckingface ah god get up get the fuckup oh shit a fuckingbootholyshit ah oh god ok ok just crawl army crawl army fucking crawl holy shit anotherfucking boot why is everyone wearing furry boots screaming ohgod I can tastemy own blood its so salty why is my blood so goddamn salty(?) oh shit todd is on the ground I can try towork with him we can get through this oh god his head is bleeding is that…isthat a toy…sticking out of his kneecap…ok I gotta get out of here I gotta hey im at the dutyface display case I’ll juststand up and sweet I got it ok holy shit they’re actually using the toy lightsabers that chick frombefore is attackingthe cashier with a razor scooter ok just walk on through holy shit its bill he’sgot a nerfgun fuck wait I’ll just punch him….oh shit he’schoking me how did he catch my hand I knew I should’ve taken those judo classes with him ok just elbowhisgut elbow his gut yes god that felt cool there goes a tonka truck how did that even get airborne holy shit that’s a fucking baseball duck you fool duck oh shit it broke open the window im fucking out of here holy shit that wasclose my god what just happened….wait…where did I park the car…