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In This Issue
- Letter From the Editor
- They Watch
- Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
- Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
- Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
- Columbiascopes
- Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
- Tweets of the Week
- Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
- The First Danksgiving Miracle
- Santa Claus is actually Jewish
- What Do You Think?
- “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
- The Yellow Term Paper
- #ivyleagueproblems
- If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
- New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
- Dance for me, Millie
- How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
- Adventures on DateMySchool.com
- Decoded
- Ask Mark
- Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
- Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
- “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
- “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair
Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
Hannah Page
Last Saturday, Marissa Cushing, CC '14, was crossing Low Plaza when she caught a glimpse of actress Gwyneth Paltrow with her two young children.
“Well, I thought it might be her at first. But I wasn't sure so I pretended I had dropped something behind me and backtracked at little. Then I just stared.”
Curiously, the sophomore neglected to tweet, Facebook, or text about the Academy Award-nominee's whereabouts, let alone communicate with caps and exclamation points, as per SOP (Standard Operating Procedure).
When questioned about her abnormal behavior, Cushing shrugged it off. “Like, I could have mentioned it to people, I guess. But… why?”
Isabelle Sullivan, CC '13, felt betrayed by her friend's failure to at least casually bring up the sighting in conversation.
“She what? Saw Gwyneth Paltrow?” said the astonished Columbian. “Well fuck that bitch. I know who I'm not telling next time I see the guy who’s in the Old Spice commercials.”