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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

The release date of the popular videogame The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim, says critically-acclaimed conspiracy theorist Eugene Marvin in a recent blog post, coincides with the sudden nationwide restriction of the #Occupy protests as part of an “elaborate conspiracy to keep potential revolutionaries indoors” instead of protesting economic and political grievances in the streets.

According to Marvin’s’ 17,000-word diatribe, Skyrim was released on Veteran’s Day, allowing millions of gamers to spend a three-day weekend getting engrossed in the game and then, once work resumed the following week, “feel compelled to continue playing the game every waking moment of their life.”

The game’s “breathtakingly vast fantasy world, stunning next-generation scenery, combined with hundreds of hours of unique role-playing gameplay, make it worth the price of admission to any fan of action or adventure,” Marvin says. “Skyrim is a tool designed by the capitalist elites who want to drown out the dissent of the working class.”

Marvin drew controversy from gaming scholars for claiming that videogames are the reason why police forces nationwide were able to “massively dismantle and repress the establishments of the #Occupy movement across the nation,” starting on the Monday and Tuesday after Skyrim’s release. “The entire trajectory of the award-winning Elder Scrolls series was planned out seventeen years in advance,” he stated, “so that this game could shut down the protests of the 99% when they arose.”

“Skyrim is singularly responsible for keeping the public placated. Otherwise, the American people would surely be so outraged about riot police pepper spraying and beating nonviolent protestors that they would demand immediate political change. Right?"