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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

Former *NSYNC singer Lance Bass’s new pet project, Heart2Heart, is a puzzling mix of ‘90s boy band and modern Kpop with a self-aware twist. The premise of their music video “Facebook Official” is suitably simple: last week, lead singer Chad Future met a girl during a game of flip cup (classy stuff, I know). Ever since, he has been feasting his eyes upon Facebook photos of her derriere, and now he’s ready to take their relationship to the next level “in the realest way” he knows: with a relationship request.

Throughout the heavily choreographed number, which includes a self-enumerated “dance break” that involves less dancing than any other arbitrary ten seconds of the video, Chad and the rest of his band vacillate between an innocent desire to “put a heart on… [the] page” of Chad’s drinking game crush and more... base leanings. “Status, poke, and what,” croons one of the boys suggestively, while another adds, “I just wanna play for real.” The video cuts several times to one of the band members, face and identity obscured by sunglasses, stripped down to his bare chest underneath a vest.  (Note that neither vest nor sunglasses appear to be worn with any hint of irony.)  While at first the shot may seem like a bit of gratuitous half-nudity, this reviewer would guess that Lance Bass genuinely thought the guy’s abs needed some camera time (or at least some more upper body work with a Shake Weight).

Overall, this music video rates a 4 out of 10. The dancing is horrendously unnatural looking--perhaps if these boys did more than just cyber they might loosen up a bit. The outfits are over-the-top: at one point Chad Future has on enough studs and chains to romance Lady Gaga, and his love interest looks like Hello Kitty bleached her hair and got breast enhancements at the tender age of fourteen.  She’s even got the bow and collar.  And the lyrics: taken seriously, they paint a picture of a generation more concerned with their Internet image than with the complexities of real-life relationships...  On second thought, perhaps this is an accurate portrayal of relationships in the Facebook generation.  However, the video contains four separate instances of the boys winking, which brings the overall rating back down to a 4.

Chad and his boys appear to be on the cusp of adulthood–still hung up on Facebook relationship statuses while trying and failing to suppress their burgeoning sex drives (and what high school boys own a Lamborghini?): “I am thinking dirty thoughts, but I better better not,” sings Chad.  This reviewer certainly hopes he doesn’t. There’s a time and a place for sonogram profile pictures and – wait, no, there’s never a time or place for that.

Does Heart2Heart want to be the new ‘N Sync, or is the intent of “Facebook Official” and the other songs on the band’s LP Heart2Heart –The 1st Mini Album more ironic? Is a new wave of boy bands upon us?  I fervently pray the latter is not true.  No one can pull off frosted tips as well as Lance Bass once did.