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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

In an attempt to combat the horrendous upsurge of anti-Semitism that accompanies the arrival of the holiday season each year at Columbia, Hillel hosted a screening of the Jewish holiday classic “A Rugrats Christmas” in Lerner Cinema this past Friday.  “I just always feel like the university’s trying to make us feel inferior,” said a member of Hillel who wishes to remain nameless.  “We have our menorahs and they have these thousands and thousands of Christmas lights on College Walk.  People who say they’re “holiday” lights are kidding themselves.  Putting lights on trees is overtly suggestive of Christmas.  It’s all very intimidating to the point that I started avoiding the quad last winter.”  Now, though, the CC Student Council is poised to pass a motion to take down the lights, which they have acknowledged were an attempt to “scare off” Jews from Columbia.  “I just really didn’t like Jewish students,” said one Student Council member in a Santa Claus sweater upon leaving the Rugrats screening.  “They have really big noses and that frightened me.  But now I understand that Jews are people too.  Grandpa Boris’s nose is really just silly.  It looks like a potato.  I don’t know how you could find that scary.”  

Another student emerged from the cinema with an irregular oval outlined in Sharpie on each cheek.  He told The Federalist that he had drawn latkes on his face halfway through the viewing.  “I got really into it,” he explained.  “At one point, the Meanie of Chanukah really had me scared for the babies.  Angelica – I don’t care about her.  I mean , she’s kind of a bitch, and she spends the whole episode trying to watch her “Cynthia Christmas Special” instead of the impeccably acted play put on by the synagogue.  This is obviously supposed to demonstrate how Chanukah is superior to Christmas.  And you know, yesterday I would have laughed at someone who said that.  But Schlomo is just so cute with his yarmulke…  I just wanted there to be a yarmulke on Tommy’s weirdly shaped head.  That would have been adorable.”

Once again, the weight of the cultural symbol that is a bunch of babies and one bratty toddler has gone toward a worthwhile cause (see last year’s article “John Jay Serves Tofu For Thanksgiving After Animal Rights Activists Show Kitchen Staff the Rugrats Episode ‘The Turkey Who Came to Dinner’”).  For those unfortunate souls who missed this pivotal event in the history of student relations at Columbia, “A Rugrats Chanukah” is on Netflix instant.  But still, you seriously missed out.