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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

Every year, my parents tiptoe around the Santa Claus dilemma, unsure whether or not it’s time to reveal the ugly truth. He’s a fallacy, just like that other major figure of Christmas: Jesus. And while we can debate the merits and veracity of the Bible for millenia, of one thing I am as sure as any twelve-year-old could be: Santa isn’t real. There’s so much overwhelming evidence out there that anyone who does believe in Santa is a complete moron! For all you believers out there, I present the reasons that you should stop talking about that fat old man and get on with the important stuff, like video games.

1. Al-Qaeda. If there were a Santa, he would have been hijacked years ago. After all, he’s the embodiment of everything a self-respecting terrorist should hate about America. Yeah, I know Russia called dibs on the North Pole, but Santa is definitely an American thing. 

2. Even if there were a Santa, Mrs. Santa wouldn’t let him go out, ‘cause even though he’s old and wrinkly, Mrs. Claus doesn’t trust that horny old dude not to cheat on her. I mean, he wouldn’t cheat on her up at the North Pole since all that’s up there are polar bears. And I know this seems really gross to think about, but you know that song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”? That’s a legitimate issue to Mrs. Claus. After all, would you believe your husband if he told you he said he was going to slip down strangers’ chimneys all night? 

3. PETA would not let those reindeer work such long hours. PETA ruins everything fun by slapping a huge sticker of guilt onto it forever. Like bacon and cheeseburgers and fur coats and seal clubbing.

4. I have a really big dog named Gus. Gus would have eaten Santa years ago. We have some tranquilizers to give him for 4th of July ‘cause of the fireworks, but we don’t have any tranquilizers for when Santa comes in December! Except my mom’s Xanax, but she said I’m not supposed to tell anyone about that. It’s just for when she needs to calm her nerves and drink wine.

5. Assholes still get presents. Like Tommy, that jerk who always beats me up on the playground. He always comes back from winter break with new stuff, like a skateboard and a puppy. We’ll see how long that puppy lasts.

6. I’ve done terrible, terrible things and yet I still get presents. 

7. No one with a burglar alarm can afford to disable it on Christmas, with an entire year’s worth of frivolous spending laid out in the living room. And if the burglar alarm is on, then how can Santa get in? That’s right, he can’t. And for all the po’ white trash without burglar alarms, there’s always Uncle Jed in the rocking chair with a shotgun. Santa would have died somewhere below the Mason Dixon line by now.

8. Santa’s elves don’t make the popular presents, like iPhones and Tickle-Me-Elmos. If Santa’s elves can’t reproduce the technology of the most POPULAR Christmas presents, then with what delusions do they justify their own existence? And Santa’s workshop is contingent upon the presence of elves in the first place. But if the elves live at the North Pole, then they can’t be making Pecan Shortbread Sandies in the Keebler tree. Can’t be in two places at once, elves, I caught ya.

9. Two words: copyright laws. I want a copy of Fight Club on DVD for Christmas, and of course fucking Chuck Palahniuk probably has the legal standing to say that no, Santa can’t give me a copy of his DVD without paying royalties or whatever to that crack head who considers himself an author.

10. Santa is a threat to corporate America. If Santa were providing even a fraction of the gifts attributed to him, big business would have done something about it. CORPORATE AMERICA WOULD HAVE KNOCKED HIM OFF BY NOW! Do you honestly think that Apple doesn’t have its own personal assassination squad? WHO THE FUCK HIRED MARK DAVID CHAPMAN TO KNOCK OFF JOHN LENNON? Wal-Mart and Santa are simply mutually exclusive.