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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

From left to right: relaxing in bed with some cheap tequila; trying to change clothes; pouring water while puking; snuggling in the lounge with the snuggie, stuffed animals, and (of course) cheap tequila.

The components of an alcohol-friendly bathroom:

1. Advil. Put it within reach of the toilet.

2. Hairties and headbands. Never again will you need someone to hold your hair back.

3. Water. Hooray hydration!

4. The Lounge. If you’ll be spending the night on the floor next to the toilet, at least make it comfortable--put out some machine washable blankets, pillows, stuffed animals, and a snuggie (nothing is better than puking with the comfort of a blanket). 

5. The Bed. Bring your bed to the bathroom! Put a yoga mat and some blankets in the bathtub so that you can comfortably sleep next to the toilet.

6. The Secret Stash. Let’s be honest: the more alcohol you have, the more you want. Keep yourself a happy drunk by further destroying your liver.

7. Emergency phone. In case you need to call a friend, an ex, a psychic, or the hospital.

8. The Bulletin Board. Write yourself post-it note reminders of what your drunken self can and cannot do before you go out. Some examples: do not call Grandma, do not booty call the desperate creeper across the hall, electronics aren’t waterproof.

9. Band-Aids. You did fall. You do have injuries. Band-aids magically heal everything and are blessed with unicorn tears.

10. The Pantry. Awesome food to nom on.

11. The Closet. Pjs are far superior to going-out clothes. Be nice to yourself and make changing easy.