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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

Columbia, there are some terrible people on this campus. Pretentious, self-aggrandizing, spiteful, competitive people are all around us. THEY sit in lecture halls, eat in John Jay, and masturbate with the window open. THEY read the same textbooks, take the same courses, complain about the same mutual friends. THEY pretend THEY’re not from Long Island. THEY talk about Twilight too much, post the innocent border of fun-poking, and far, far into the land of obsession. Columbia, THEY are no good. THEY are hated by you Columbia, and rightfully so. Columbia, open your eyes. THEY=you. You are pretentious, elitist, and evil. You are what all of Fox News’ vitriol can never topple. You are an abomination in the eyes of good, honest Americans. Shut up.