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In This Issue

• Letter From the Editor
• They Watch
• Alcohol.edu Valedictorian Gets Schwasty
• Student Spots Celeb and Doesn’t Flip a Shit; Friends Doubt Her Sanity
• Columbia College First-Year Picks Worst Chair in Classroom
• Columbiascopes
• Class Clown’s Unexpectedly Well-Conceived Joke Falls Flat in LitHum Class
• Tweets of the Week
• Black Friday: A Nocturnal Dad In The AM
• The First Danksgiving Miracle
• Santa Claus is actually Jewish
• What Do You Think?
• “A Rugrats Chanukah” Cures Anti-Semitism
• The Yellow Term Paper
• #ivyleagueproblems
• If You Tweet in the Forest, Does it Make a Sound?
• New Elder Scrolls Game Released “For Nefarious Pro-Capitalist Agenda,” Crackpot Says
• Dance for me, Millie
• How to Increase the Utility of Your Bathroom When You're Shitfaced
• Adventures on DateMySchool.com
• Decoded
• Ask Mark
• Heart2Heart “Facebook Official”
• Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen Yet: Jack and Jill
• “American Horror Story” is Actually Crazy
• “Dance Moms”: Small Girls, Big Hair

People from all walks of life tweet ludicrous things from their iPhones in desperation to gain the attention they lacked from their parents in their developmental years.  Dr. Linda Partridge, PhD and Chief Statistician at Harvard’s Psychological Research Department, writes: “overwhelmingly the preponderance of mass-media communication has expedited the insatiable need for people to communicate and feel as though their minor, obscure, and often time completely fallacious beliefs are worth being heard by anyone anywhere at all” (Partridge et al, 2011).

The question that arises then is not what are the narcissistic motivations that give birth to tweets, but rather the correlation (if it exists) between what message people actually tweet about and whether this is an effective way of communicating. In order to examine this we will look at the correlation between the hashtags “#occupywallstreet” and “#firstworldproblem.” By examining the relationship between these two Twitter trends, we can see how effective the message of the Wall St. Occupiers has been. If Twitter is an effective method for communication, then perhaps there will be an inverse correlation between these two trends (ie a correlation coefficient less then negative 50 basis points.) If however the correlation coefficient falls within a 100 basis points range of 0, then we can conclude that there is a lack of effective communication and the nihilistic dreams of the twitter world are for not. 

Underlying Trends

As we can see in Figure 1, there has been secular growth in the trending of the hash tag “#occupywallstreet” weeks before the actual demonstrations began. Statistical examination of the language used in these tweets reveals a focus on “income” within “America” as shown by the prevalence of those words, preceded by “street” and “fuck” (The fifth most common word was “we”). Upon closer examination we can see that exponential growth in the weeks leading up to the occupation and a spike in the first days. However, since the occupation, there has not been much change and volume has remained consistent. The question is, has the twitter world responded?

One might think that if the message of “fair” (15th most popular used in #occupywallstreet posts, immediately following “cocksuckers”) was really getting out, people might stop tweeting things like, “My Keurig is broken and I can’t remember how to use a regular coffee machine #firstworldproblem” (Green Mountain Coffee Roasters: GMCR – $77.99) or “iPad keeps crashing. Gonna have to tweet from phone #firstworldproblems” and might begin moving toward more substantive thoughts about how society should function. Unfortunately for those tweeting about Occupy Wall Street, this has not been the case.

Lack of Correlation Equivocates Lack of Causation

As my calculations prove, these two volumes are not negatively correlated as the counterfactual analysis might suggest. Rather, it is clear that there is a minor positive correlation, which means that there have been more increases in #firstworldproblems since the inception of Occupy Wall Street protesters. Figure 2 plots the volumes of posts on a logarithmic scale to show how these tags have been trending. As we can see, #firstworldproblems remains at similar volume throughout the time of this survey. What this means is that the tag is used pretty much indiscriminately by yuppies and bitches alike to achieve their narcissistic dreams of being recognized and praised for their unique humor and wit. 

Conclusions

Although it is common knowledge that no one is that important  — you are one of 7 billion people on Earth — everyone wants their voice to be heard. However, as this regression analysis has clearly demonstrated, the act of tweeting is monotonically ineffective (P< 0.05). So, everyone who thinks they are going to be the “vehicle of change,” get your shit together, calm the fuck down, and go get some Starbucks coffee before your next therapy session.