Posted: March 1, 2012

Football Loses its Balls

Hannah Page


Twenty-nine years after becoming co-ed, Columbia is finally taking the next step on its path to gender equality. President Lee Bollinger announced Monday that the Lions football team would adopt the same open policy as housing, including both males and females starting next year.

Under a barrage of questions from faculty and alumni about the safety and legality of such a move, PrezBo explained that new head football coach Pete Mangurian has spent hours developing a series of handicaps that will guarantee the safety of all members of the team and create an environment in which everyone can excel. “The rules are meant to make up for physiological differences that could hamper the weak-...uh, newer members of our team,” Mangurian said on Monday. “I think these addenda to the rulebook are more or less intuitive and it shouldn’t take long before they are approved.” See proposed new rules below:

1. After the snap, the team with the ball will be given a one minute head start before the defense can move, with one additional minute added for every cup size beyond an A that the quarterback’s breasts are (this applies to quarterbacks of both genders).

2. Female players will be permitted to wear high heels on the field provided that they’re those funky tennis-shoe-stiletto hybrids; furthermore, they will be allowed to stab other players with their heels in order to avoid being tackled.

3. Female players will have a breakaway flap in the front of their uniforms so as to be able to distract male players with the sight of their breasts when attempting to draw attention from a teammate who has the ball.

4. Male players will no longer be permitted to wear jockstraps.

Women on campus are hesitant about the new policy. The group the Columbia University Neo-Feminist Team released a statement questioning what this kind of separate but equal treatment might mean for gender politics on campus. They predict a rise in domestic violence and a serious shift in the Saturday night dynamic at Cannon’s.